Last week I shared my taxological findings on the animals that inhabit the shiny terrains of the fitness studio. I’m happy to announce that my research has progressed yet further! Here are some of my latest findings:
The Wet One (aguis multis)
Even with a towel draped around its shoulders, this species can often be observed to be sweating profusely. This leads me to the deduction that it has amphibian origins, and as such needs to keep its skin moist. It can often be spotted drawing closing and closer to other beings until its sweat begins to drip on them. I hypothesise that this is a defensive tactic, engaged with the aim of forcing others to leave its territory. There exists also a certain sub-species of aguis multis, known to train without towels so as to mark all gym machines and equipment as its personal territory.
The Helper (magister simulatio)
Usually observed strolling through its natural habitat, showing every single gym member the right way to use to the gym equipment. Does so even if nobody has asked them for advice or help. A friendly creature, it tends to remain by your side for a while, motivating you and correcting you all the time. This behaviour tends to become grating after a while. There exists also a sub-species of the magister simulatio, who focuses solely on helping females. Possibly has a genetic predisposition to wonky eyesight, as it seems unable to look at anything that does not resemble a female backside.
The Protein-Shake Junkie (multa proteins)
Amongst other things, protein shakes often serve as a food source for the inhabitants of the gym. However, this species takes it to a whole new level – its sole food source is the protein shake. “Drink a lot, helps a lot“ seems to be their motto, and they can usually be observed drinking shakes after every exercise, after every set. Can occasionally be heard expressing its appreciation for the deliciousness of the protein shake.
The Noise-Bombardier (tonitrui magni)
Most likely closely genetically related to the magna covatio, this creaure makes use of loud noises to establish dominance and and demarcate its territory. However, it seems unable to do so with as voice, as it tends to utilise tools instead. Following every training session, it can be seen chucking weights down from a dangerous height and with a lot of power. On occasion it is then seen pulling a menacing face, as if to say, “Come any closer and you’ll be the next thing I throw around!”
