Gyms are like holidays. It’s warm, it’s noisy, there’s towels everywhere, everyone’s sweaty and everybody seems to speak German. I’ve been going to a gym close to my place for a while, but I admit I seem to have spent most of my time there observing people instead. Here are my, uh, findings:

The Boaster (audite tantum)

This species only cares for attention. With nobody looking at them, they relax and prepare themselves mentally for their next task. But when a female human approaches, they start pushing and pumping weights that weigh way, WAY more than they do – of course, only so long as she’s watching! The moment she’s left, they stop instantly.

Sometimes, they even leave heavy weights near themselves, making it seem as if they’ve been training hard. The boaster even looks pretty strong most of the time. Even if he’s often short, his muscles often exceed his body weight.

The Screaming Monster (magna vocatio)

This species is closely related to the boaster on the family tree, but he really does put effort into training – however, not without showing those around him that he’s dominating the gym while doing so! For some reason, he just can’t work out without making extremely loud sounds, similar to those of a bull that’s just been kicked in its privates. This species is often seen to have a Beta-animal by its side, whose job is to animate and motivate him with phrases such as “come on bro”, “push push push!”

The Hamster (colligunt omnes)

Just like the cute little namesake, this species is prone to hoarding everything he can get his paws on in the gym, and then he takes all of it back to his den. There, he slowly but steadily starts working out with every single weight. This takes a lot of time, but even then he doesn’t quite manage to use all of what he’s collected.

The Top Dog (praesens semper)

This species seems to have a need to prove to himself, as well as everyone else around, that he’s the strongest and greatest one around. After doing a set, he can usually be spotted walking around gracefully, often in areas populated with many people and many mirrors, so he can be looked at while he looks at himself. The slow gait characteristic to this species is a tactic to ensure everyone else knows that they are the kings. Upon approaching the front of the mirror, they usually start posing and marking their territory.